A room, my heart and all the time regret

Another week passes by, kinda feels like Im just living with nobody but myself these days. Its not that im lonely or unloved, I feel Gods put so many people around me that care that I know i don't deserve. The ideals of regretting nothing and following my heart seem to escape me as I live here on my own.

It seems I have two years of looking not only to my future.. but at every decision and wrong turn i've ever made in my life. Some are forgivable.. like the selfisheness in my younger years or the times i should have just studied harder. Everything seemed to turn out alright after all so thats all that matters,my lifes mantra.

But there are some choices, decisions I've made that I still manage to carry with me.. no matter where I am.. what im doing. Whether holding a pen or a gun, there are just some things that time seems to have no abillity to change or mend.

Things that just have me saying, if only i could redo that part.. or not say that bit.. maybe things would be different... if i didn't loose control or i weren't so selfish. Things I know are useless yet can't stop praying for.

haha I know i'm only 18 and life has hardly started out.. but even at this age i hold things that I know.. i will silently regret for many years to come. I can only imagine what challenges lie in adulthood.

Not sure if forever is such a good term.. maybe there is a point where you can finally put to rest the feeling which lies quietly in the back of your mind. A gesture.. or just knowing the people or person is happy where they are now.

I guess its momments like these that define a person, momments you can never forget... momments you wished you could but never would.

Still figuring it out, while im on this concrete jungle.. it use to feel a bit like prison.. but now it feels like im in a place where i can learn to be stronger.. to face my mistakes and forgive myself and perhaps to accept that some things will just never be the same as they use to.

I hope everyones having as good a time as they'll ever get, I'm actually doing fine here

peace N lovecakes